Perfectly Imperfect !

Self-Esteem is all about knowing one’s own strengths and weaknesses, accepting them despite imperfections, believing that one can manage challenges in life and finally, to use one’s energy to become, or continue to be, the person one wants to be. Parents want their children to grow up and have a high self-esteem. The question is "how can they make it happen?". Read on..

"Nina is a pleasant young girl who has been feeling inadequate lately. This feeling has been going on for a few months since she realized that she only has a couple of close friends, which seems quite disappointing to her. Her mother is concerned. She has noticed that Nina is beginning to ask certain questions which is leaving her feeling really distressed. “Am I not pleasing enough that people don't want to be around me?”, “Why am I not as pretty as Eli? I need to lose some weight, put on nicer clothes and cover up my flaws with some concealer”, “I better stop talking in social settings, I always say stupid things and make an absolute fool out of myself. No wonder people think less of me”, “Argh! I don’t know why I burst into such an intense argument or defense when someone points something out to me. I know I am wrong anyway.” Lately, her mother has noticed that she is keeping more to herself, and shuts herself down saying “you will never understand”. She has now become a “yes-man” among her peers, as saying a “no” would leave her chewing the cud over upsetting someone. Nina, despite not feeling too good about herself, makes sure her friends know that they are wonderful, lovely, beautiful and precious, as she does not want others to feel the way she does. But as much as possible, she tries to avoid looking people in the eye, as she is getting less and less comfortable with being visible and noticed by others."

Well, I feel for Nina ! In my experience with adolescents, it is a common concern that many bring forward during therapy. But what is going on? In simple words, this negative evaluation Nina makes about her own worthiness is due to her poor self-esteem.

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”

― Mark Twain

Adolescents experience self-scrutiny as they try to develop a sense of identity. Why does this happen? This changing phase brings with it several psychological, biological and social changes. As they navigate through this new phase of life, when their skills don’t match up to these challenges, they naturally tend to doubt themselves. Their minimal experience could lead to several trial and errors which in most cases can be frustrating.

When we think about what influences self-esteem, it is important to understand that everyone’s individual experiences and environmental situations are different. However, let’s take a look at some of the common influencing factors on two levels:

1. When they spend time with others: Adolescents’ perception of their relationship with others, their ability to develop and sustain friendship, their expectations of how they will be treated by others, where they position themselves, in every sense, among their peers etc. Additionally, their familial relationship; with their parents and siblings, and the belongingness they feel in their family etc.

2. When they spend time with themselves or self-reflect: How they view or perceive themselves, including their attitude towards their achievements, failures, strengths and weaknesses.

Most parents right now would be thinking just one thing, can self-esteem be improved in my child? The good news is, yes! Self-esteem is dynamic and can change based on their environment and life experiences. Studies show that during adolescence, some but not all, may experience low self-esteem. However, it can show changes, provided certain positive environmental adjustments are made.

So, what can be done to help adolescents during this phase?

• Get them moving: Improving their physical, social and emotional engagement through regular sporty activities, visiting friends and family, helping them explore their talents, having deep and meaningful conversations with parents, friends and others etc. This needs to be done with their consent and not by force.

• Developing healthy self-talk: Help them adopt a more friendly and gentle language towards self.

• Self acceptance: Help them understand that their aim is not to get approval from others or their peers, rather to be accepted by oneself.

• Reframe their weaknesses: Help them see their strengths and assist them in building positive evaluation of their weaknesses to improve self-acceptance. They are very sensitive to the way they are talked about by their parents to others. They would feel judged and hurt.

• Family time: Have one-on-one time with your teen every day, away from all devices, and allow them to take the lead.

• They like to be taken seriously: In fact they are budding adults, so why not treat them like one? They may have some interesting and useful opinions.

• Encourage flexible thinking: They may not be psychologically advanced to make sense of or process some of their experiences, so help them. Talk to them when they seem to be low, it is wise not to ignore them. During a bad day, or when they have had a bad score, or a fight, help them process the situation without being biased or critical. It helps to have someone tell them a better way of looking at challenging situations.

Overall, talk to them like how you would want them to talk to themselves. They may not be perfect, afterall, aren’t we all perfectly imperfect.

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